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The Marriage Dance January 12, 2010
In many ways Alisa and I are doing a daily dance. We interact with each other (talking, listening, touching, seeing) and our kids (telling, acknowledging, helping, teaching) the most, but there are times when family and friends also enter the dance. Sometimes it’s good that they enter and other times not so good. You know what I mean.
There are days when I’m dancing on clouds and other days I feel like my feet are stuck in cement. I often wonder why this happens and sometimes in the same day. Do you ever feel like this in your marriage? It’s frustrating, but as the years have passed I’ve come to understand the flow of our marriage.
This past Friday night was our “Date Night”. This is something that we are purposeful about each and every month. It is our time alone. Love my kids, but I want to spend the rest of my life with Alisa and if we don’t invest now who knows what could happen. These dates give us time to connect and dig deep into our relationship without the constant interruptions. I’m being interrupted right now as I type, my oldest isn’t going to sleep and I’m starting to get frustrated.
Back to the blog…for this “Date Night” we had decided to learn take a Cha-Cha class and then attend a dance party at the studio. The week leading up to our date night Alisa had been “practicing” the Cha-Cha moves from instructional youtube videos. I was getting excited to go out and dance with Alisa. The last time I was this excited to dance was on our wedding day (13 years ago) because I knew we would end up in our hotel room afterwards.
This time learning to dance stemmed from our desire to find a passion and activity that the two of us could do together. We were stepping out of our comfort zones to stretch ourselves and our marriage. For me being the extrovert in the marriage I also figured it would be a great way for us to branch out and meet new people.
Friday started off great, date night was planned, kids were going to the sitters, Alisa was going to make a romantic dinner at home and then off to Cha-Cha lessons.
Except for one small thing…kindergarten immunizations and flu shots. Dang those shots.
Abby received five shots and Alex two as they spent 2 hours in the doctors office Friday afternoon. Guess what? Date night didn’t happen. Both kids were traumatized from their long afternoon at the doctor’s office and this was one of those nights that we didn’t think it wise to leave the kids with the babysitter.
We made the most out of it the situation. We were able to have a quiet dinner while the kids watched a movie followed by family movie night watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Was it what we had planned? No, but the reality is that life often doesn’t go the way that we plan. I would like to just end this here and say that everyone went to bed happy, but in reality I was upset and frustrated. Have you experienced this in your marriage?
You know what I did, I wallowed in my own negativity, but as I laid down I realized I made a big mistake. The time with Alisa, although not a date night, was still needed and should have been cherished. I didn’t do that. Even though I didn’t handle the evening perfectly, I learned from it. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? Learning, falling, getting up and then doing it again and again. It’s The Marriage Dance.
When things don’t go the way you plan them are you going to be negative and wallow in the misery of the situation or are you going to try and find a way to take these new circumstances and use them to your benefit? What dance are you dancing with your spouse?
Debt Sucks! January 7, 2010
Which one of you is the Spender? How about the Saver?
Do you talk about the consumer debt you have?
Is there a Cash Flow Plan in place or do you fly by the seat of your pants hoping there will be enough money for the month?
Tony and I used to have loads of consumer debt. There were student loans from Tony’s college days, 2 vehicle payments, around 10 credit cards that we maxed out, department store cards, as well as unpaid utility bills. I’m sure there were others that have escaped my mind.
We had amassed over $50,000 in consumer debt. The hardest part for me were the constant calls from creditors, letters coming in the mail with past due notices, and no plan. I was STRESSED OUT. To add to all of this we were newlyweds! We spent the first 3 years of our marriage living month-to-month. We juggled the credit cards by getting a new lower rate one, transferring the balance from a high rate card to the new card, and then repeating the process as many times as possible. It finally came to an end when we could no longer get another credit card. Eventually the stack of bills, past due notices, and collectors calling got to be too much.
We didn’t talk about our finances then. We just ignored this very large elephant in the room, never saying anything to each other about it. When we did talk about money we were yelling and arguing about the lack of money we had. The romance, passion, and intimacy that we had before we got married wasn’t there any longer. Money and debt were driving a wedge between us.
Finally, Tony had enough of living month-to-month. He sat me down one night to talk about “our finances”. This was the first time we sat down and really talked about our money situation. We decided to find a credit counseling service in our area. We found one and with their help we developed a plan to pay off our debts. There was only one problem we hadn’t really learned how to manage our money. They gave us a way to get out of the debt we had but didn’t teach us how to avoid debt in the future.
We also enjoyed going out with friends and living a very comfortable life but we weren’t ready to make a lifestyle change. Becoming debt-free required a radical change and we weren’t there. So, we kept living the lifestyle and the elephant was still in the room with us.
Tony hiked the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT) in 2000 and shortly afterwards we moved to Spokane, WA. He needed the change of pace after hiking the PCT as well as spending some time away from Southern California.
For the first time in our marriage we were able to live on Tony’s income and use mine to pay down our debts. It wasn’t happening fast enough. One day while listening to the radio Tony heard the Dave Ramsey Show and what Dave was saying struck him and then me. Dave’s 7 Baby Steps are:
1. $1000 Emergency Fund
2. Pay Off ALL Debt with Debt Snowball
3. 3-6 Months Expenses in Savings
4. Invest 15% into ROTH IRA & Pre-tax Retirement Plans
5. College Funding
6. Pay Off Your Home Early
7. Build Wealth and Give
These 7 Baby Steps enabled us to GET MAD at our debt and finally pay it all off.
Dave’s Baby Steps, (cash only, NO credit cards, NO debt) has made our marriage a happier one! I am happy to tell you that since 2002 we have not had a single credit card. Over the years this has meant that we do without sometimes, but I never have to worry about going to the mailbox and seeing a crazy, big credit card bill or answering the phone with someone who wants me to pay my bill to them. We have a roof over our heads, cars to drive, food to eat and clothes to wear. Do my kids get everything they want? NO. Neither do Tony and I. We save up for those large items and pay cash.
Now, we talk about money openly in our family. The kids know that they can’t have everything they want. We talk to them about saving for trips and for expensive items that we want. Last year Alex “needed” a Nintendo DS. He saved his birthday money and Christmas money to get it. He paid for it with his hard cold cash and to this day he knows where it is and treats it with a lot more care than most other toys.
We’re sharing all of this because over the past year, we’ve gotten soft. We didn’t get any credit cards or department store cards, but Tony and I haven’t been talking to each other and working together on our Cash Flow Plan. Money is coming in, but more is going out. Towards the end of last your we realized that our lack of planning was starting to affect us. With the start of a new year we decided it was a great time to get back into those “good habits” with our finances.
So, what are we doing? You can do this too.
- Have a conversation with your spouse about your money. Talk about your financial goals, maybe you want to be debt free or take a vacation or buy a car. If you don’t know what you are working for how will you know when you get there?
- Develop a plan. He who fails to plan, plans to fail. We’ve all heard it and know its true-without a plan for your money it’s literally going to just disappear. For years we have had our monthly budget on an excel spreadsheet that we update every month. We take care of the basics first: tithing, shelter, food, utilities and health and then the other categories like preschool tuition, vacation, car maintenance etc. Just recently Tony came across this website PearBudget which allows you to set up and monitor your budget online. It’s very simple and straightforward and yes, it does have a nominal monthly fee ($3) but I am finding that this is a tool that works well with our lifestyle. Give it a try to see if it works for your family. There is a 30 day free trial.
- Do it! Don’t just talk about your money and the plan you have for it, live it. Give yourself a month or 2 to work out the bugs. Keep trying even if it gets hard.
I can honestly say that the last 7+ years of being debt free have been amazing. The passion, romance, and intimacy that was missing in the early years of our marriage is back.
How will you change your financial future? Please share with us what you are doing today to make a difference tomorrow.
7 Days to an On Fire Marriage January 4, 2010
Each of us desires to be more romantic in our marriage. You may be in a loving relationship, but you don’t know the first thing about how to romance from the heart. Sure, you can say, “I love you,” just fine, but all those wonderful, romantic ideas just seem to escape you.
Start 2010 on the right foot with you beloved. Below are 18 ideas that you can do to for your spouse over the next 7 days to set your marriage On Fire. You can simply follow these 18 ideas or you can adapt the suggestions below to your own nature. Either way, you will be well on your way to being the true romantic!
1. Leave a note professing your love for your partner to find during the day. Put the note where it will be found, easily. Try their briefcase, the driver’s seat of their car, in their coat pocket, in their lunch bag, taped to the receiver of the phone, taped to their computer, or left taped to a doorknob.
2. As soon as you arrive home for the day seek out your partner and offer a big, loving kiss. Tell your partner how much you love him or her and ask about their day. Make this a new, daily habit.
3. As an alternate idea, when your partner arrives home for the day, take their hand and pull them towards you aggressively. Offer a huge hug, kiss and say, “I missed you today!”
4. While your partner showers, heat up his or her towel in the dryer.
5. Have flowers delivered to partner at work.
6. Surprise your partner by arriving home with their favorite drink, snack, or ice-cream.
7. Arrange for an intimate lunch date with your partner.
8. Afterward, send a virtual card. Tell them how much you enjoyed lunch together.
9. Call your partner in the middle of the day to discuss your romantic plans for that evening.
10. Print out some love coupons (find them on-line) and present them to your partner.
One might say: this entitles loved one to a full-body massage, and sign your name.
11. For the kid in all of us! Use multi-colored, sidewalk chalk to draw a BIG heart in red and write. Print out the words, “I love you” in the middle of the heart. Do this someplace that is prominent such as on your driveway so that when your partner comes home he or she will see it.
12. Cook a favorite meal for your partner and then eat it, slowly, by candlelight.
13. When the weather is best, take a brisk walk through a nature trail with your love and talk about all the reasons why he or she is so special to you.
14. If the weather is dreary, have an indoor picnic. Spend the time together, inside enjoying your favorite board games and just relaxing and talking.
15. Cuddle up in your pj’s and relish a romantic movie together.
16. Just sleep in and cuddle together. Call into work and explain you are “under the weather” and need to rest a bit more before coming in.
17. Make a long list of the many reasons why you love your partner as you do and then have them framed and present it to him or her.
18. If you don’t live together, call your loved one just to say goodnight. Recite a favorite love poem over the phone and end with, “Sweet dreams, until we meet again!”
What can you do this week to romance your loved one?
I Resolve To… January 1, 2010
Not surprisingly the top 2 resolutions center on fitness and finance. Why do you think so many gyms see a spike in membership right after the holidays? And with debt from the holidays looming, many say, time and again, that this is the year that they take control of their finances.
These are two excellent subjects for resolutions but what about adding one more, one that really should go before the other two.
This year I resolve to put my relationship with my husband/wife as my #1 priority. I am going to choose my spouse over all of the other “stuff”. This is not to say that you can’t have hobbies or do things without your spouse. Please! Can you imagine if I told Tony that he couldn’t ride his bike? For those of you who don’t know, Tony is an avid road cyclist who averages about 6000 miles per year. And if I didn’t get out for some me time, YIKES!
What I’m saying is that by choosing to put your spouse first all of the other resolutions will fall into place. If your relationship is the priority then you will want to look good physically for both of you. You will also want to be on the same page financially whether it’s getting out of debt or saving for that special trip for the two of you. Finances are one of the top causes of marital struggles. Resolve to make your spouse a priority and work through the financial issues in your relationship.
Now that you know what I’m resolving for 2010…what is your New Year’s Resolution?
More…40 Days to a Mind Blowing Marriage! December 29, 2009
WHAT!!! He had to think about it? C’mon I had just said yes to making love to him for 60 days!!! What in the heck did he have to think about?
It turns out that he had some of the same questions that I did.
What if we did this?
What if I can’t hold up my end of this?
How would this work?
Could I do this?
So, we really had quite a bit to talk about as we ventured forward. We laid there in bed talking about how this would all work out. The How, What, Where, and When. We set up “excused” days-illness, my menstrual cycle , and out of town trips. During the discussion we decided that we were both willing to get creative with location, time of day, positions etc.
Over the next couple of nights we continued to discuss all sorts of possibilities that could arise. Here are a few that I remember:
What would happen if one of us was out and didn’t get home until late and the other was fast asleep? Wake them up.
How do we work around Tony’s bicycling schedule? He was willing to make it work no matter what.
Does a “quickie” count? Oh, YES!
Finally, we began the countdown to September 1, the start of our 60 Day Challenge.
From the start I was blown away at what started happening in our marriage. We began having conversations about more than just the kids, work, and the day to day stuff. We were talking and listening to each other and enjoying it. We began to rediscover each others desires, passions, and fears. It was truly amazing! The craziest thing, for me, was that I looked forward to being intimate with my husband. It was no longer about making excuses to get out of making love, but rather when and where were we going to make love. Let’s get to it became my motto!
September was like being on our honeymoon again but better because after 11 years we had learned a lot about each other and were truly enjoying these intimate moments. We were veterans at this and now we were really putting our years of experience to work, literally and figuratively. We started strong, we were able to go 9 days straight before our first day off, hello fatigue! As much fun as we were having it was exhausting keeping up with our daily tasks, kids, work, and other activities.
One memorable night was when Tony had gone to Orange County for a going away party and was expected home around 11pm. Tony, wanting to get home so that we could make love, got a late start back to San Diego. It came down to the wire as he arrived at 11:55pm. I waited for him at the door as clothes came flying off as we headed for our bedroom. We ran over into the next day and wondered if we could count this love making session as two days? We decided no and laughed as we fell asleep in each others arms. The end of September brought my menstrual cycle and we were both so happy and ready for a break!
The strange thing for me was after a couple of days I was missing that physical intimacy with Tony. I was looking forward to getting back to our daily love making, but October was completely different.
October started out with two sick kids, Tony’s first ever migraine and MRI, sleepless nights and sheer fatigue! Translation: No desire to make love whatsoever. We were in a state of disconnect. With all of the health problems we were completely out of sync.
One particular entry from October 6th tells the story perfectly.
Alisa’s entry – We are healthy! Yet I don’t want to make love to Tony. I actually prayed tonight for a change of heart because I had been enjoying this and looking forward to it last month. Physically I enjoy myself but mentally, tonight, I had difficulty being in the moment with Tony. I am wrestling with it so much that after I couldn’t fall asleep. I tossed and turned for 2 hours gefore getting up to read on the couch and fell asleep there.
Tony’s entry – What a wonderful evening together. Alisa and I made love for what seemed like the 1st time in a long time. I guess when we’re making love almost every night in September to being derailed in October it feels like a long time. It’s great to be close to Alisa again both physically and spiritually.
With the end in sight, we had lots of nights where we were just trying to make it through. I began to pray before and during our physical intimacy. It helped, but that’s for another blog.
October 31st came before we knew it. The highs and lows of our 60 Day Challenge came to an end and you know what, we survived. We didn’t just survive we learned a lot about ourselves that and are thriving to this day! This was perhaps the single most positive life changing thing we have ever done for our marriage.
This time together was challenging, exciting, and awesome!
I’ve been asked if I would do it again? YES! I have come to realize that having that connection with my husband truly changed our marriage. Putting a stop to the excuses and accepting Tony’s needs was a win for me too. It turned out that my intimacy needs, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual were being met more than I could have ever expected.
We’ve made a lifestyle change where intimacy is a priority in our marriage and we hope that this will spark are flame in you to move beyond yourself and begin a challenge of your own. What are you waiting for?
Coming March 2010, Stripped Down – 13 Keys to ONE Extraordinary Marriage.
40 Days to a Mind Blowing Marriage! December 28, 2009
It’s time we came clean with how we find ourselves writing this blog and even talking about marriage. It all started back in August 2008. Tony and I were about to lead a small group on intimacy and had stumbled across an interview with two couples who had done what would seem virtually impossible. Chandra Mueller had offered her husband 365 nights of intimacy for his 40th birthday and Douglas and Annie Brown had had sex for 101 nights. As we are watching these interviews on the computer I’m thinking to myself that these women are NUTS!!!!! I make sure to verbalize this to Tony so that he doesn’t get any crazy ideas.
I’m glad I verbalized my thoughts to Tony, but having been married to him for 11 years I expected something. He didn’t disappoint me. The next day he threw it out there. “Hey Alis, what if we were intimate (make love/have sex) every night for the next two months while we lead our small group?”
Tony loves throwing ideas out there and this was one I didn’t have to or want to think about it. There was no way I was going to say yes to be intimate with him every night for the next 60 days. We probably made love once a week, maybe twice if we were lucky, and now he wanted to make love every day. No thank you, good night.
That night, as I laid there in bed reading, my mind was working overtime. I was actually kind of intrigued by the idea. The “What IF’s” kept coming up.
What if we did this?
What if I enjoyed it?
What if I said yes?
How would this work?
Could I do this?
At the time (September and October 2008) we had a 5 year old and a 2 year old, Tony had his business obligations, we were involved in our church and our many other activities from volunteering to sports.
Would I like it? Don’t get me wrong here I enjoy being intimate with my husband, but would it still be good day after day after day for 60 days? I didn’t want to lose the special connection just because we were trying to make love for 60 daysl.
Here’s the big ONE…Was I willing to give up my excuses (I’m tired, it’s been a long day, I don’t feel like it, etc.) and commit to saying YES every day? I’m sure every husband reading this is probably thinking that this would be the ultimate gift. However, I had become very comfortable controlling the frequency of sex in our marriage. If I was in the mood for it then we would make love, otherwise sorry. Was I willing to relinquish that power I had over our sexual intimacy?
The evening after Tony asked, “What if we were intimate every night for the two months while we lead our small group?”, I told Tony the one word that will forever change our marriage, “YES”. And then he said one of the craziest things I have ever heard…
What do you think he said?